Living with Gram- How That Decade Changed Us

In the decade that Gram lived with us, our lives were changed, more complicated in some aspects, but improved in every way. Somehow, she’s been gone a year now. It feels like it’s been more and less than a year all at the same time. But the sun keeps on rising, even when we lose someone we love. This first year without her has been one filled with lots of tears early on, waves of grief, lots of ‘firsts without her’, and tons of beautiful memories. I’m writing this as we approach the one year mark, March 23, wanting to share a few things I’ve seen that have shaped me, and us, having lived life with her.

By now, I’d say it’s pretty clear Gram and I were very, very close for the first 32 years of my life. When we asked her to move here with us in 2009, she was still driving, attending game night with her friends, and living a fully independent life. But, we were hoping to start a family and travel was getting harder and harder for her, so we knew visits would be farther and farther apart, and I couldn’t stand the thought of that. She took a whole six months to decide to make the move, making sure we knew she would NOT live with us and wanted to learn her way around so she could still drive and live as independently as possible, but she was so excited at the idea of living here with the possibility of great-grandchildren. A year and a half later she was in the hospital with an ulcer that slowed her down and another year and a half later, handed over the keys to stop driving before I had to ask for them. She was watching babies and making us a weekly dinner without fail, up and down stairs joining us in all our activities and generally speaking, a part of every aspect of our day to day life. She was the first in line to meet all our babies, and was thrilled to pieces every time one came to us. She was my biggest encourager and my honest broker. She told me when I needed to suck it up and also when I was getting it right.

Last family picture setting

There was not a moment of our day to day that wasn’t impacted by her presence for ten years, and there isn’t a moment of our day now that hasn’t been affected by her absence this last year. I haven’t been able to delete her from my phone yet, so she is still on my favorites list. I still think of calling her to catch her up on the happenings of our life. And on the rare occasion, when our phone rings at night, my breath still catches as I fly out of bed thinking she needs me, as that is how we spent our last 3 months with her.

We talk about how she would have loved the catfish we ate for dinner, or the lemon cake my daughter chose for her birthday cake in honor of Gram, or how she would have been so excited at Logan’s adoption and his first swim lesson, or how well Sophia is reading, or to read the story Mason just wrote, or to hear Timothy retell about the deer he and Daddy got. How she would beam with pride that my book was published and talked about in the newspaper, and the joy she would have knowing Scott was being considered for a pastor position…she would call him her ‘John Wayne’, and say he was the best she ever heard preach.

I share stories of my childhood with her with the kids and they share of their times with her, always lap sitting and snacks, always overwhelming love. Sophia dreams about seeing her in heaven. I think about that almost daily. She’s with Jesus. He loved her so much, He pursued her to the very end, when she finally reached out her hand and took hold of His.

So, how have we been shaped by her presence in our family, in our life, and in our memories?

I savor more. When she made a sandwich, she piled it high with goodness….french fried onions and tomatoes. When she cooked she simmered longer and boiled less, she dashed and tasted, stirred slowly, then dashed and tasted again. When I have a glass of wine, I remember her 4:00 wine time and how she looked forward to that after her nap. How it was not just wine for the sake of wine, but a moment to be relished, flavors to be enjoyed. Nothing was done without intention. I try to keep up with the happenings of the world, but she read the paper cover to cover, and was relevent and current until her final days. It kept her mind sharp to know what was going on in the world, and in sports, and to be able to discuss it. I watch for spring to arrive all winter long. Gram loved spring for many reasons, but the greatest of those….baseball was back! All winter she would count down the nights left of tolerating Hallmark movies before she got to watch her Braves again! I love baseball, but mostly I look forward to the new life that comes with spring. I will always associated it with Gram and baseball and that will always make me smile.

Probably something I’ve always done because of her, and will always continue, I hold my kids, I rock with them, I read with them…I want them to know my expectations, but also that they are my ‘firstest and mostest’. That life and learning are always going on, but at the root of it all, that they are loved, and encouraged, and believed in. There is something to knowing those who love you most believe in your wildest dreams, will stand by you and hold your hand, and behind you with the gentle nudge when you need pushed, and will always, without fail, or judgement, be there, loving you whether you fail or succeed, and encourage you to try again.

My goodness, what I realize trying to write about how she shaped and changed me, and us, it’s impossible to do. She is in so much of who I am. I always knew I was lucky to have her, and the love we shared, but in writing this, and missing her so much it aches, I see she is still here, in so many ways. I miss you Gram, but I see you in heaven, and that brings me such peace and joy. You told me once that your grandmother loved you in such a way that even before I was born, you knew you wanted to be the best grandmother you could to your grands….You succeeded Gram. You were the best there ever was, and I want you to know, my hope is that someday I will be the best grandmother I can be to my grands….just like you.

~Jules